Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

This is the coolest video you will see today.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

She: I like Cats
He:

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.