Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL