Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
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Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.