Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?