[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
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Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Okay this one takes it home
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Every work meeting this week
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert