Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

Bless you

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

Bird: *flies into my office window*

Me: yeah, same.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment