[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
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Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
oh she’s cooked
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)