Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?