Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

My patronus is a cheeseburger

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait