Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

Not even remotely sorry.

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.