@Elizasoul80

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

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@GlumGeorgeLucas

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

@Chicken_Hawk38

Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

@DaddyJew

Me: I’ll have some cold water

Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water

Me: yall got ice?

Clerk: yea

Me:

Clerk:

Me: I have a crazy idea

@TweetPotato314

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

@AmishPornStar1

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

@CanadianBeave13

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

@michaelianblack

The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?

@1followernodad

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

@OmgMeDamnit

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

@longwall26

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”