[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

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My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.


Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.


Me: I’ll have some cold water

Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water

Me: yall got ice?

Clerk: yea



Me: I have a crazy idea


Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled


It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!


I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.


The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?


Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.


Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.


Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”