@GlumGeorgeLucas
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
@Elizasoul80
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
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@GlumGeorgeLucas
@Chicken_Hawk38
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
@DaddyJew
Me: I’ll have some cold water
Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water
Me: yall got ice?
Clerk: yea
Me:
Clerk:
Me: I have a crazy idea
@TweetPotato314
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
@AmishPornStar1
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
@CanadianBeave13
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
@michaelianblack
The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?
@1followernodad
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
@OmgMeDamnit
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
@longwall26
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”