[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
You Might Also Like
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.