Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory