Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

The best plant holders?

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot