Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]