Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

What personal space?

My dog

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.