Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

the three branches of government

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

Love thy neighbor’s dog

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

how was your vacation

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.