[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
You Might Also Like
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.