Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

thats my bad

jesus, what did this guy do

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

“You drive, I’m tired.”