[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
thats my bad
jesus, what did this guy do
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
“You drive, I’m tired.”