[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
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Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
B
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit