Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.