Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.