[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
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Smooooooth
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Good morning
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
this made my day 😂
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.