*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
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3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
🤔😂😂
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I’m confused about plants
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”