Hopscotch would be a lot more challenging if the kids actually had scotch..
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
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Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow him around the yard because it’s his turn
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Nurse friend: where can I get some scrubs?
Me: idk, probably hanging at the passenger side of his best friend’s ride trying to holler at me
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.