@Parkerlawyer

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

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@DKG26

Hopscotch would be a lot more challenging if the kids actually had scotch..

@Just_Beachy72

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

@Sickayduh

My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow him around the yard because it’s his turn

@AHappierDay

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

@thepunningman

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

@GrandadJFreeman

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

@DaddyJew

Nurse friend: where can I get some scrubs?

Me: idk, probably hanging at the passenger side of his best friend’s ride trying to holler at me

@UncleDuke1969

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

@ooforth

Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.