*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

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“These diet pills better work,” I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.


To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.


They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.


The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.


BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.


I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.


If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.


Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.


Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.


Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*