*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
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5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship