@Parkerlawyer

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

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@ComedicBust

“These diet pills better work,” I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.

@garrydavenport

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

@TheAlexNevil

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

@drinksmcgee

The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.

@trouteyes

BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

@AntozWolf

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

@ConanOBrien

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

@okimstillhungry

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

@FatherWithTwins

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

@Pro_Jones_

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*