*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
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Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.