[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it