Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

never ask a starfish for directions

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.