Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome