Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

I am HOWLING at this

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.