[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!