Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

never compromise your values

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime