Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Hot Hot Hot

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

If you’re testing me, we failed.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.