[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
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*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Me trying to walk in a dream
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*