Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

being a writer on Twitter:

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*