At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
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Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.