At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
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*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!