At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
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Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
HR said no more nunchucks.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Jail
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.