At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
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I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.