At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
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FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I hope Alan is OK
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
when you order from DoorDastardly
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.