At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
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muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
They got a point!
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.