[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
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Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
We’re all getting idioter.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry