*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
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Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Meanwhile in Canada…
No, I don’t think I will.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs