*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
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When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Meow
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.