At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
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Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here