Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

🤣🤣💀

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

the council will decide your fate

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

customer: your lightest roast please

barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.