Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

when a toddler tells a story

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.