At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

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ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!


Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.


Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.


I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.


Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?


Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.


Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.


Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.


No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then


Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works