At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
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I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE