Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment