*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.