Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there