[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
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Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Cake!!
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Genius.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool