Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

That’s what I call a flat tire

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

Bringing home a sharpie

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.