[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
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If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.