Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s family

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

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I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack