Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

Hot Panini is in big trouble

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

Stop it! 😂

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭