Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.

So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

middle school in the ’90s

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

Y’all ready for this

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL