At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
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Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.