At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
You Might Also Like
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
That’s no pocket rocket.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
A leaf blower, but for people.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!