Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

Same post same

Crying is a sign of leakness.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.