At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
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It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
it must be school picture day
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
The two types of wives
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you