At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
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*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio