At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
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Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza