Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

A friend sent me this.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

What flavor cupcake are these

me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me

date: omg just tell me you’re not interested

cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.