*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
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If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
we did it you guys we saved daylight
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.