If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
men are simple creatures