Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!