[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
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if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.