Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.