Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

me when somebody idk start touching me

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.