(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
You Might Also Like
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.